The official joke thread

[Hic]

Al and Bobbi Sue were all ready to tie the knot. 2 of the ushers were talking and Al overheard them saying: How is Bobbi Sue in the hay ? Her brother replied she is a virgin ! Al whistled loudly and stated : The wedding is off ! Her father asked why ?

Al said: If she ain't good enough for your family . . . she ain't good enough for ours !

[Hic]

It has been said: in heaven , the germans are engineers and the italians are lovers .
In hell , just switch em around .

[BigAl205]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

[Hic]

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter @ the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked: What are all those clocks ?

St. Peter's answer: Those are LIE clocks.

Everyone on earth has a lie clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.

Oh, says the man: Whose clock is that ?

That's Mother Teresa's, the hands had never moved, indicating that she had never told a lie.

Incredible said the man and whose clock is that one ?

St. Peter responded: That is Abraham Lincoln's clock, The hands had only moved twice.

Where is Barack Obama's clock ?

Obama's clock is in the big man's office.

.... He is using it as a ceiling fan !

Barack'0'blower

[Hic]

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office with a frog on his head. The doc asks how did this happen and the frog says: it started as a wart on my ass !

[MoparMike]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

[Hic]

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom ?




One snatches watches - Redd Foxx

[MoparMike]

A Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

The wife says "Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Seeing that no one is looking I''ll prove it, I'll expose one of my breasts to the gorilla and you can see how horny it gets just as men do."

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

"See," says the wife, "Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't."

So the husband replies, "Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens."

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Then the husband says, "This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'"

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The wife yells, "What do I do now? Please, help me!'

The husband replies, "Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same."

[Hic]

Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

There it is !

[Hic]

New York paid Hilary $2,000,000.00 to emcee The New Years Eve countdown last year , they needed someone who could drop the ball at the last second.