The official joke thread

[Hic]

[QUOTE"It's so cold people are walking the streets with forks and spoons stuck to their tongue.

People with traffic tickets are pleading guilty and asking for the electric chair.

Politicians have their hands in their own pockets." ][/QUOTE]

[BigAl205]

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"


She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"


While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"


So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.


After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Glenn]

when i went and got my prostate exam last week i asked "where should i put my pants?" "over there next to mine" was not the answer i expected

[camojoe]

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I am Okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her thin white robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted.

She was beautiful, very sexy and very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."

[BigAl205]

Not really a joke, but a really funny story

A lawyer in Charlotte, North Caroline, purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars. Being clever, he insured them against fire amongst other things.
Within a month, after having smoked his entire stockpile of these rare cigars before he even made his first premium payment on his policy, the lawyer filed a claim against his insurance company. He stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay for the obvious resume – the man consumed the cigars in the normal fashion
The man sued……and won!
When delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. However, the judge continued, the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be an unacceptable fire. As a result, the insurance company was obligated to pay the claim because the lawyer’s claim was technically valid.
Rather than endure the lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the loss of his “rare cigars” in the “fires.”
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[beak81champ]

Not really a joke, but a really funny story

That is f'in hilarious!!!!

[Hic]

Bill and Bob are talking, a couple of old farts, when Bill says: My wife has got one of those A ... diseases , aids or alzheimer's.

Bob says: Well then take her into the woods and if she finds her way home - Don't sleep with her !

[BigAl205]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[papacueball]

[dejo]

what was the greek guys name that everyone always ignored?
Rhetoricles