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Thread: The official joke thread

  1. Back To Top    #181
    Owner BigAl205's Avatar
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    Re: The official joke thread

    What does a pregnant 14-year-old and her unborn fetus have in common?



    They both think, "Oh shit! My mom's going to kill me"

  2. Back To Top    #182

    Re: The official joke thread

    COSTELLO : I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.


    ABBOTT : Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 5.6%.


    COSTELLO : That many people are out of work?


    ABBOTT : No, that's 23%.


    COSTELLO : You just said 5.6%.


    ABBOTT : 5.6% Unemployed.


    COSTELLO : Right 5.6% out of work.


    ABBOTT : No, that's 23%.


    COSTELLO : Okay, so it's 23% unemployed.


    ABBOTT : No, that's 5.6%.


    COSTELLO : WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?


    ABBOTT : 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.


    COSTELLO : If you are out of work you are unemployed.


    ABBOTT : No, Obama said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the
    unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.


    COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!


    ABBOTT : No, you miss his point.


    COSTELLO : What point?


    ABBOTT : Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with
    those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.


    COSTELLO: To whom?


    ABBOTT : The unemployed.


    COSTELLO : But ALL of them are out of work.


    ABBOTT : No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who
    are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer
    in the ranks of the unemployed.


    COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as
    less unemployment?


    ABBOTT : Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!


    COSTELLO : The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?


    ABBOTT : Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6%.
    Otherwise it would be 23%.


    COSTELLO : Wait, I have a question for you. That means there are two
    ways to bring down the unemployment number?


    ABBOTT : Two ways is correct.


    COSTELLO : Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?


    ABBOTT : Correct.


    COSTELLO : And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?


    ABBOTT : Bingo.


    COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work?


    ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat.


    COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!


    ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Biden.
    "That's all, folks!"

  3. Back To Top    #183

    Re: The official joke thread

    Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together, and were long time members of a hunting camp.

    Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, it ain't Stanley."

    The mortician thought this was rather strange. When he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body, he looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up, you better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley." The mortician asked, '"How can you tell?" Gomer replied, "Well, Stanley had two assholes.'' "What? He had two assholes?'' replied the mortician. ''Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: "There's goes Stanley with them two assholes."

    Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Biden administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants.
    "That's all, folks!"

  4. Back To Top    #184

    Re: The official joke thread

    A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

    Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

    The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

    The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

    The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”

    "Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

    "Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"

    "Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

    Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

    Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”


    "That's all, folks!"

  5. Back To Top    #185

    Re: The official joke thread

    A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

    'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

    'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

    'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

    'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

    Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

    'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

    The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.


    'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

    'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'


    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

    The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

    'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

    The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

    'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

    'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

    'Because you got an F in sex.'
    "That's all, folks!"

  6. Back To Top    #186

    Re: The official joke thread

    "That's all, folks!"

  7. Back To Top    #187

    Re: The official joke thread

    "That's all, folks!"

  8. Back To Top    #188

    Re: The official joke thread

    1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.


    2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.


    3. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.


    4. Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.


    5. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.


    6. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.


    7. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.


    8. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.


    9. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.


    10. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.


    12. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.


    13. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.


    14. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.


    15. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.


    16. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”


    17. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.


    18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.


    19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.


    20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.


    21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.


    22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.


    23. I went to the toy store, asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are. He replied, “Aisle B, back.”


    24. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
    "That's all, folks!"

  9. Back To Top    #189

    Re: The official joke thread


  10. Back To Top    #190

    Re: The official joke thread

    How do you get a country girl's attention?

    Attract 'er.
    Last edited by Grinder; 10-02-2022 at 11:48 AM.

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