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Thread: The official joke thread

  1. Back To Top    #131
    Gold Subscriber chithead's Avatar
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    Re: The official joke thread

    "Pushy" has a completely different definition when Sean Connery says it.

  2. Back To Top    #132

    Re: The official joke thread

    An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

  3. Back To Top    #133

    Re: The official joke thread

    A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, Josh, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now." "Well, okay,” the bartender replied, “But what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle,” the pirate explained. “I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine, really." “What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You can lose an eye just from bird shit?" “It was my first day with the hook."

  4. Back To Top    #134
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    Re: The official joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by chithead View Post
    Just found out his wife was a relative before he married her.
    Viewing Smilies , you trying to access privileged system?¤Somewhere 0ut There¤}]

  5. Back To Top    #135
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    Re: The official joke thread

    Every Mother`s Day is "Standing Room Only" @ every restaurant!

    Every Father`s Day, dad is supposed to cook/grill a meal ?

    Happy Father`s Day !

    When will we have . . . <> Significant Others Day 「」

    Maybe fish for females . . . and snitzel for the males ?b
    Last edited by Hic; 06-16-2019 at 02:23 AM.
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  6. Back To Top    #136

    Re: The official joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Hic View Post
    Every Mother`s Day is "Standing Room Only" @ every restaurant!

    Every Father`s Day, dad is supposed to cook/grill a meal ?

    Happy Father`s Day !

    When will we have . . . <> Significant Others Day 「」

    Maybe fish for females . . . and snitzel for the males ?b
    ....
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  7. Back To Top    #137
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    Re: The official joke thread

    For the women who eat @ the "Y" and of course any "Rocket men" !

    If California has the "Big One" the lesbians will be out lickety-split, whilst the gay men will still be packin there shit!
    On a condom machine, someone wrote "The Best for Packing Fudge" !

    What did the Texan say to the guy who said : Moo Moo Buckaroo ?
    May I push your stool in !
    Last edited by Hic; 06-16-2019 at 11:27 AM.
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  8. Back To Top    #138
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    Re: The official joke thread

    Why did the roosters go to KFC ?














    To see a chicken strip.
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  9. Back To Top    #139

    Re: The official joke thread

    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident, and find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

    While waiting, they began to wonder: Could we possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

    The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

    After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

    "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

    "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

  10. Back To Top    #140
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    Re: The official joke thread

    If a duck says "Quack" and a cow says "Moo"

    What`s a "Pig" say ?









    Honey. . . Want to grab me another beer .
    No it`s not the jeans .
    How come your sister never gets headaches ?
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