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Thread: The official joke thread

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    Re: The official joke thread

    "Dyslexic people of The World, Untie " !
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    Re: The official joke thread

    A Perfect Husband


    Several men are in a golf club locker room.

    A cellular phone on a bench rings.

    A man engages the hands-free function and answers, “Hello?”

    Everyone else stops to listen:

    "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

    "Yes."

    "I'm at the shops, and I found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000, is it OK if I buy it?"

    "Sure. Go ahead, if you like it that much."

    "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw a new model that really like."

    "How much?"

    "$90,000."

    "OK. But for that price, I want it with all the options."

    "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I just heard from Janie that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000."

    "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty if it's what you really want."

    "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

    "Bye! I love you, too."

    With everyone in the room staring at him in wide-eyed astonishment, he ends the call and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?”

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  4. Back To Top    #143
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    Re: The official joke thread

    Little bird humor . . .

    Get in the cage Barbi.

    15 sec

    Please , get in THE cage . . .

    45 sec . . .

    GET IN THE FUCKING CAGE ! !
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    Re: The official joke thread

    NEWS FROM THE YEAR 2059:

    -Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

    -White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

    -Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

    -Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

    -Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

    -Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    -France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

    -Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

    -George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

    -Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

    -Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

    -85-year $758 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

    -Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

    -Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    -Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

    -Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

    -Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

    -Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

    -A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.

    -Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

    -New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060

    -IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

    -Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

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  7. Back To Top    #145
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    Re: The official joke thread

    A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


    The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.


    She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"


    "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"


    "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."


    The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."


    "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"


    "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

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  9. Back To Top    #146
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    Re: The official joke thread

    ..............................^................... ........^...........................^............. ...............^.................................^ ...............................^
    Mertzon, Texas is located at -

    31° 14′ 97″ N, 100° 49′ 9″ W


    The real answer is that it is an incorrect coordinate. The 14.97 is what makes it incorrect. the joke state 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes of latitude, but coordinates are given in degrees, minutes and seconds, and you can't have more than 59 seconds without adding another minute. That is why the first answers changed it to 15 minutes, 37 seconds, which is a reasonable interpretation, but the writer may have meant 97 hundredths of a minute.

    The truth is there is no real way to know because the coordinates were simply written incorrectly. { republican thang }

    [ similar to when the Union Army took over JFK Airport during Civil War ] - { republican thang }




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