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Thread: The official joke thread

  1. Back To Top    #161

    Re: The official joke thread

    Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:

    Artery: The study of paintings

    Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria

    Barium: What they do when patients die

    Benign: What you be after you be ten

    Caesarean section: A wealthy neighborhood

    Cat scan: Searching for Kitty

    Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

    Colic: A sheep dog

    Coma: A punctuation mark

    Dilate: To live long

    Enema: Opposite of friend

    Fester: Quicker than someone else

    Fibula: A white lie

    Impotent: Rich and famous

    Labor pain: Got hurt at work

    Medical staff: A doctor’s cane

    Morbid: A higher offer

    Nitrates: Higher pay for working at night

    Node: I knew that

    Outpatient: They is unconscious

    Pelvis: Elvis’ second cousin

    Post-operative: A letter carrier

    Recovery room: Where they do upholstery

    Rectum: Nearly killed him

    Secretion: Hiding something

    Seizure: A kind of salad

    Tablet: A small table

    Terminal illness: Sick at the airport

    Tumor: One plus one more

    Urine: Opposite of ureout

  2. Back To Top    #162
    Noob LBaudio's Avatar
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    Re: The official joke thread

    two adults discuss:
    Man: If I knew that you are still a virgin I would be more gentle....
    Woman: If I knew that you want to fuck, I would put down my pantyhose
    FOR FAST MOVING CONCERTS
    Team LBaudio
    Team BRAX
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    Team Car Audio Lab
    EMMA SLO head

  3. Back To Top    #163
    Owner BigAl205's Avatar
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    Re: The official joke thread

    I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

  4. Back To Top    #164

    Re: The official joke thread

    As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

    At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

    The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do

    But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

  5. Back To Top    #165

    Re: The official joke thread

    You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes

    Kelvin

  6. Back To Top    #166

    Re: The official joke thread

    Two sperm are swimming along, one says to the other "how much longer till we get to the eggs?" The other says, "be patient, we are just now passing the tonsils"

  7. Back To Top    #167

    Re: The official joke thread

    Covid-19 humor:

    How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My wife keeps trying to come in the house.


    Corona-free man seeks Corona-free lady with toilet paper. Send pictures of toilet paper.


    Notice how the media is saying how many males and females are getting the virus? Amazing how the other 57 genders aren't getting it.


    I was at the bank this morning and two people came in with masks. We all freaked. Then they said it was a robbery. We all calmed down.
    Last edited by Grinder; 03-31-2020 at 08:33 AM.

  8. Back To Top    #168

    Re: The official joke thread

    The latest on COVID-19 response from England and the rest of Europe:


    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

    The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.



  9. Back To Top    #169
    Owner BigAl205's Avatar
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    Re: The official joke thread

    A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
    The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
    They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.
    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
    'Go get your Mother'


  10. Back To Top    #170

    Re: The official joke thread

    A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

    "Are - my - test - results - back?"




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