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The official joke thread
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
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Re: The official joke thread
OK, so a single woman, 6 months pregnant with twins, has a horrific car accident, which lands her in the hospital in a coma for 6 months.........when she awakens, her hands go straight to her now empty belly.....oh no, she cries as the events replay in her head. Her nurse comes running in to console her, don't worry, the nurse tells her you have two beautiful babies, a girl, and a boy. Tells her the birth went off without a hitch......the woman, now relieved, asked where are my babies? The nurse says don't worry, your brother brings them by everyday, to check on you........she moans, not my brother......he's an idiot. The nurse laughed, and said they seem to be in good hands....... he even named them......the woman rolled her eyes, and asked.....what did he name them?......the nurse responds, well the little girl.....Denise....the woman breathed a sigh of relief, thinking, that's not so bad........then she asked, and the boy? The nurse hesitated.......then told her........da nephew.........
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Re: The official joke thread
What's the longest sentence in the world?
....
....
...I do.
edit: High five for 100 posts bitches!
Attachment 1259
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Haha, llama.....how bout this.....If a man speaks his opinion, and his wife is not there to correct him......is he still wrong?
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Sent from my Springfield XD with love!
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A man comes home in the middle of the night with a bit too much noise.
He staggers into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
He says rather loudly, this is the pig I'm sleeping with !
His wife calmly says: That's not a pig, it's a sheep.
He says: Shut up, I wasn't talking to you !
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Quote:
Originally Posted by
Hic
A man comes home in the middle of the night with a bit too much noise.
He staggers into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
He says rather loudly, this is the pig I'm sleeping with !
His wife calmly says: That's not a pig, it's a sheep.
He says: Shut up, I wasn't talking to you !
Brilliant! lol
A lady went to a pet shop and saw a large beautiful parrot. The sign on the cage said £50.00, "why so cheap?" she asked the owner. The owner looked at her and said, "look I should tell you this bird lived in a house of prostitution, and some times it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this but decided to buy it anyway. She took the bird home and hung it in the living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked at her and said "new house new madam." The lady was a little shocked at the implication, but thought "that's not really to bad" When her two daughters came home from school the bird saw them and said "new house new madam new girls." The woman and girls were a little offended but laughed it of considering were the parrot had been raised.
Moments later the woman's husband Keith came home from work the bird looked at him and said
"New house new madam new girls Hi Keith"
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Quote:
"new house new madam new girls hi keith"
oh shit, rofl
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So a man walks into a brothel. He's a little down on his luck and only has $5. He asks the woman at the front desk, "So what can I get with this?" and hands her the $5. She takes the money and says, "Second door on the left." The man goes to the room and sees a chicken on the bed. He's confused and searches the room for a woman. He fails to do so and looks at the chicken. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." He proceeds to have sex with the chicken. Turns out it was the best he's ever had.
A week later he comes back with $1. "So, uhh, what can I get for this?" The woman at the front desk says, "First room on the left." He walks into the room and sees a bunch of guys crowded around a hole in the wall. He gets a chance to peek through and sees two sexy lesbians getting it on. "Man, they're really going at it," he says, "This is pretty crazy." One guy from the crowd says, "Oh that's nothing. You should have been here last week, there was a dude fucking a chicken."
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Re: The official joke thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
SublimeZ
You should have been here last week, there was a dude fucking a chicken."
Hahaha!! roflol..
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Ha Haha!
Those stupid lesbians paid $5! LoL
Sent from my Springfield XD with love!
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Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!", he commands, so the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples, the man rips off his ski mask to reveal it's her husband...who then exclaims, "Now was that so hard?!"
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abrasions and abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, you're getting herpes - that's why I am here!"
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A traveling salesman trying to make a buck was driving through the plains of Nebraska when he decided to stop at a farmhouse coming up on his left.
As he was walking up the driveway toward the front door of the house, a pig with three legs caught his eye. It was just hobbling through the grass.
When the farmer answered the door and asked what he was selling, the salesman first asked about the three legged pig.
"That pig is the most amazing pig in the land, son." The farmer said
"Last year, our house caught fire when we were all asleep and that pig ran in and woke us all up one by one and saved our lives!"
The salesman was surprised. "That is one special pig" He said.
The Farmer replied, "That's not all. Last summer, that pig jumped into the pond and dragged my drowning son to safety. He would have died."
The salesman was in disbelief as to how incredible this pig was. "One question. Why does he have 3 legs, is it from the fire?" He asked
"No son, ya see, a pig like that you just don't eat all at one time."
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The
bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh hail no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get a boner, I also get a headache."
:doh:
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Why isn't Halloween or Thanksgiving celebrated in Arkansas any more?
The witch moved and took the turkey with her.
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Ok, so an Indian walks into a whorehouse.....walks up to the counter and says me wantum p$%%y. The lady behind the counter asks.....got any money?........he pulls a big wad of money out and says....me gottem money......she then asks........do you have any experience?........his shoulders drop along with his eyes straight to the floor........me no experience...... she tells him.....here's wat you do Indian......go out of town, take the trail to the river, go to the fork in the river and there's a tree...with a hole in it....you're height and everything....you go wail on that a while, and come back and see us......Indian replied.....ok....took his cash and left....... a week later, the Indian comes back, chest out head high......walks up to the counter, and demands.......me wantum p$%%y.......the same lady asks for cash, and of course he produces it.....then she asks......ya got any experience.......well he sticks his chest out and says......yes, me gottum experience.....she takes his money and points him down the hall..........a few minutes go by and theft woman hears some awful screaming....... suddenly the Indian comes by, chasing a screaming, crying whore with a broomstick.....the woman grabs the Indian and says.......what the hell are you doing Indian..,....to which he exclaims.....me checkum hole for bees!
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A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing" said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind." She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied........"We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred"
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What's a boomerang that doesn't return?
A stick
What's a fly without wings?
A walk
How are Bonny and Clyde called in Germany?
Bonny und Clyde
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Mr. T rules!.......or did in the a-team days anyways.........
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Quote:
Originally Posted by
SublimeZ
I'm like 1/94th Cherokee...so I can say that joke :neener:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by
AL9000
I'm like 1/94th Cherokee...so I can say that joke :neener:
But you aren't part formula 1 car ;)
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What's a boomerang? A frisbee for people without any friends :p
Kelvin
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A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"
"Yes, it would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome."
"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.
"It's not unusual," replied the doctor.
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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Northern Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled onto the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub barkeeper looked over and said, "Oy mate! We won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.
"The Reverend looked up at the landlord and stammered, "But sir, you don't understand...I'm Pastor Fluff.
"The barkeeper said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."
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Not really a joke, but funny:
Quote:
These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per
second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
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I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking beer.
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat............ is it coz I Chinee"?
"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick".
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Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in our hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious that I'd been in one hell of an accident.
She looked deeply and steadily into my eyes and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits then?"
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My buddy is a cook at a bar, one day he walks out front.
He says to the barmaiden, boy it's really hot !
Can you do me a favor ?
She says: what ?
He says: show me your tits
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A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter @ the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked: What are all those clocks ?
St. Peter's answer: Those are LIE clocks.
Everyone on earth has a lie clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.
Oh, says the man: Whose clock is that ?
That's Mother Teresa's, the hands had never moved, indicating that she had never told a lie.
Incredible said the man and whose clock is that one ?
St. Peter responded: That is Abraham Lincoln's clock, The hands had only moved twice.
Where is Barack Obama's clock ?
Obama's clock is in the big man's office.
.... He is using it as a ceiling fan !