Re: The official joke thread
A woman wakes up to the sound of breaking glass and tries to wake her husband ( passed out from drinking scotch ), then a
she hears footsteps coming towards bedroom and the door burst open
Winnie recognizes Donny and tells him you should have a mask on and he says I'm not worried about corona virus
Re: The official joke thread
"I bought a box of instant water . . . I just don't know what to add ~ Stephen Wright
Re: The official joke thread
Money can't buy you happiness , but it can help pay for the pursuit. ~ Prince
Re: The official joke thread
Harrison Ford on what he would like to hear from GOD if there is a heaven , upon arriving at the pearly gates : You are much better looking in person .
Re: The official joke thread
A man walks into a pub.
“What’ll you have?”
“Three pints, please.”
The bartender brings three pints.
The man proceeds to alternately sip from one pint, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone, and then orders three more.
“Sir, there's no need to order three at a time. I can bring you one, and when it gets low I’ll bring you a fresh one.”
“You don’t understand. Both of my brothers are living in different countries, and we made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three pints as well, and we’re drinking together.”
"What a wonderful tradition."
Every Saturday evening the man came in and ordered three pints.
Then one Saturday evening the man came in and ordered only two. He alternately sipped from one and then the other in his usual way, and then ordered two more.
The bartender brings the two pints and then says, “I’d just like to say that I’m very sorry that one of your brothers has passed.”
“Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
Re: The official joke thread
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".
Re: The official joke thread
What do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi.
:daniel:
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I have kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.
Re: The official joke thread
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too. -Mitch Hedberg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qqaq7MIcN0A
Re: The official joke thread
A guy walks into a bar...
"What can I get for you?"
"I'll have a 9/11 cocktail."
"I'm not sure I know that one. What's a 9/11 cocktail?"
"A Manhattan with two Kamikazes."