Funny The official joke thread

God's Handles

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
 
Lil johnny got a new bicycle for Christmas, as he was riding it a police officer on a horse asked if he got a new bike for Christmas ?

Lil johnny said: yes

The police officer then wrote him a ticket for no reflectors.

Lil johnny asked if the police officer got the horse for Christmas ? The officer playing along said yes !

Lil johnny said: U should've asked Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse !!
 
Not jokes, but still fkn funny:heh:



Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here Is The Glorious Winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And Now, The Honorable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family…. unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*****Remember*****
They walk among us, they can reproduce.
 
Last edited:
Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
 
bass.png
 
Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car?"

Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense "ate?"...

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out "go home you fucking free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-english-speaking assholes?

How weird is that?
 
WOOSEY said:
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out "go home you fucking free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-english-speaking assholes?

How weird is that?
Click to expand...

spooky...:P
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again,
the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
 
Get Out Of The Car! This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!
 
An old bull and a young bull stand on a hillside, overlooking a pasture. The young bull says to the old bull, “Hey, let’s run down and fuck one of those heifers.” The old bull replies, “let’s walk down and fuck ‘em all.”


A farmer has two old bulls and, feeling they’ve lost their exuberance, buys a young bull. As the young bull begins industriously mounting one cow after another in the pasture, one of the old bulls starts pawing the ground and snorting. “What’s the matter,” says the other. “You getting young ideas?” “No,” replies the first bull. “I don’t want that young fellow to think I’m one of the cows!”
 
Julio and Juan are sitting on a hill drinking

when Juan gets up and points down towards the city

Juan says: Julio, you see those houses ? I plumbed them all ....

they don't call me Juan the plumber !

A while later, Juan says: Julio you see those houses ? I wired em all !

They don't call me Juan the electrician ...
























But, you f__k 1 goat !
 
Dear Diary:

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Ontario. It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree
in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change inthe seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Ontario is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to
walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ontario . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from
the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have
gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white **** coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *******.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofa***** who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ****head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard.
It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of **** into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

April 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road?
Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow ****.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida . I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken Province of Ontario....
 
A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She'd just
begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was
so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to
the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
 
PRINCETON, NJ—Contraceptive manufacturer Trojan unveiled its new line of “No One’s Pleasure” condoms Wednesday, the first prophylactic specifically designed to intensify sexual dissatisfaction among bitter and resentful couples.

“We’ve always offered consumers a choice when it comes to protection, and we wanted to give emotionally distant partners an option that suits their lack of intimacy,” said Jim Daniels, vice president of marketing at Trojan. “That’s why we’ve developed the only condoms clinically proven to exploit performance anxiety, heighten discomfort levels, and prolong the petty arguments that allow couples to bicker needlessly all night long.”

According to a Trojan press release, No One’s Pleasure condoms feature a quarter-inch-thick layer of non-lubricated latex with a unique abrasive texture that creates a variety of stinging sensations “for both him and her.” The company statement goes on to explain that the product magnifies personal insecurities and awakens deep-seated, unresolved relationship issues that are “sure to raise passions and quicken your pulse.”

The cutting-edge prophylactics are also extremely tapered at their base and tip, which Trojan engineers said induces premature ejaculation and provides longer-lasting hostility and alienation.

Lead designer Benjamin Walton said the bulky, ill-fitting sheaths greatly constrict the movement of any man who wears them and when used correctly are 98 percent effective at preventing vaginal penetration.

“These condoms feel extremely unnatural, and their sandpaper-like texture is so rough and gritty it rubs everyone raw,” Walton said.

Enlarge Image

Trojan confirmed that No One’s Pleasure condoms will be available in “Frigid Touch,” “Extremely Oversensitive,” and “Ultra-Chafe: Super Dry,” and will cost $20 for a three-pack, a price researchers found perfect for instigating squabbles over who has to pay.

Many will be sold in boxes containing fewer condoms than the packaging indicates in order to arouse feelings of suspicion and jealousy and help contemptuous couples get in the right mood for unfulfilling and empty sex.

The lack of expiration dates are said to heighten both partners’ stress over whether the condoms will be effective.

“Just by making the wrappers a little more difficult to open we raised frustration levels by nearly two-thirds.” Walton said. “And our most successful prototypes resulted in partners either not having sex or having really angry sex for maybe five seconds.”

Later this week Trojan will begin promoting the new product with a nationwide marketing campaign, running print ads that feature a silhouette of two people facing away from each other, arms crossed, and the product’s official slogan, “Let’s Just Get This Over With.”

Consumers who participated in focus groups for No One’s Pleasure were impressed by the condoms’ ability to both sustain current animosities and rejuvenate old ones.

“These things are great,” said test subject

Jerry Morelli, who explained that the condoms have helped him find new ways to loathe and disparage his wife of 15 years. “If I’m not gonna enjoy myself, I want to make damn sure she doesn’t either.”

Trojan reportedly decided to develop the new condoms after marketing research indicated the company was missing out on an entire segment of the population: the exasperated and spiteful sexual partners who account for 65 percent of all couples.
 
time to move up north

Ohio Crazy Law

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.
Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.
Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.
It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!
Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively".
Items left on a tree lawn become city property.
Cross-dressing is against the law.
Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.
It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.
You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.
It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.
Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.
It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.
Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.
Catch 22 is banned.
Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.
You may not run out of gas.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top