The official joke thread

[MoparMike]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

[bobditts]

the terrifying sex noises that deaf people make

[chad]

the terrifying sex noises that deaf people make

And THAT is going to be the horrifying thought of the day....

[Hic]

Some guys decide to go hunting in Alaska for bears. The guide is explaining the hunt to them, and one guy asks if he should bring along his 357 magnum ? The guide says: yes, just file the front sight off. He then continues explaining to the other hunters what time they need to be ready to go. The guy with the 357 asks again whether or not he should bring his hand gun. Once more the guide says: Yeah, just file the front sight off. Where upon the hunter ask, why should I file the sight off ? The guide explains: After you shoot this bear several times and piss him off - you're not gonna want to hit your teeth !

[MoparMike]

A boy goes into the confession booth. The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl." "Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?" "Oh I can't say." "Was it Mary Jane?" "No Father." "Adalina Mozarelli?" "My lips are sealed." "How about Cindy King" "I can never say." "Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?" "No." "It has to be Tracy Cummings though!" "Father I will never tell you." "Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months." "Ok, Father" The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?" The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

[BigAl205]

[MoparMike]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

[MoparMike]

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

[Hic]

So , I'm checking for the wire feeding a garage to sort out a no power complaint and find it buried just beneath the surface , I turn to Bob and said: I didn't know women were installing these ! Bob says: why ?
I said: Only a woman would think that's 12 inches !!¿☆€

Needs to be one foot down in ground.

[Hic]

How to give your cat a pill by bob storyPick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When the cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw soggy pill away. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from livingroom curtain valance. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove pill from foil wrap. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water. Call 911, ask fire deoartment to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour one half pint of water down cat's throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches forearm and remove pill remnants from eye. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish.