The official joke thread

[WOOSEY]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again,
the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[BigAl205]

Get Out Of The Car! This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!

[SublimeZ]

An old bull and a young bull stand on a hillside, overlooking a pasture. The young bull says to the old bull, “Hey, let’s run down and fuck one of those heifers.” The old bull replies, “let’s walk down and fuck ‘em all.”


A farmer has two old bulls and, feeling they’ve lost their exuberance, buys a young bull. As the young bull begins industriously mounting one cow after another in the pasture, one of the old bulls starts pawing the ground and snorting. “What’s the matter,” says the other. “You getting young ideas?” “No,” replies the first bull. “I don’t want that young fellow to think I’m one of the cows!”

[Hic]

Julio and Juan are sitting on a hill drinking

when Juan gets up and points down towards the city

Juan says: Julio, you see those houses ? I plumbed them all ....

they don't call me Juan the plumber !

A while later, Juan says: Julio you see those houses ? I wired em all !

They don't call me Juan the electrician ...
























But, you f__k 1 goat !

[astrochex]

Dear Diary:

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Ontario. It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree
in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change inthe seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Ontario is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to
walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ontario . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from
the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have
gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white **** coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *******.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofa***** who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ****head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard.
It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of **** into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

April 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road?
Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow ****.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida . I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken Province of Ontario....

[BigAl205]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She'd just
begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was
so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to
the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[Hic]

PRINCETON, NJ—Contraceptive manufacturer Trojan unveiled its new line of “No One’s Pleasure” condoms Wednesday, the first prophylactic specifically designed to intensify sexual dissatisfaction among bitter and resentful couples.

“We’ve always offered consumers a choice when it comes to protection, and we wanted to give emotionally distant partners an option that suits their lack of intimacy,” said Jim Daniels, vice president of marketing at Trojan. “That’s why we’ve developed the only condoms clinically proven to exploit performance anxiety, heighten discomfort levels, and prolong the petty arguments that allow couples to bicker needlessly all night long.”

According to a Trojan press release, No One’s Pleasure condoms feature a quarter-inch-thick layer of non-lubricated latex with a unique abrasive texture that creates a variety of stinging sensations “for both him and her.” The company statement goes on to explain that the product magnifies personal insecurities and awakens deep-seated, unresolved relationship issues that are “sure to raise passions and quicken your pulse.”

The cutting-edge prophylactics are also extremely tapered at their base and tip, which Trojan engineers said induces premature ejaculation and provides longer-lasting hostility and alienation.

Lead designer Benjamin Walton said the bulky, ill-fitting sheaths greatly constrict the movement of any man who wears them and when used correctly are 98 percent effective at preventing vaginal penetration.

“These condoms feel extremely unnatural, and their sandpaper-like texture is so rough and gritty it rubs everyone raw,” Walton said.

Enlarge Image

Trojan confirmed that No One’s Pleasure condoms will be available in “Frigid Touch,” “Extremely Oversensitive,” and “Ultra-Chafe: Super Dry,” and will cost $20 for a three-pack, a price researchers found perfect for instigating squabbles over who has to pay.

Many will be sold in boxes containing fewer condoms than the packaging indicates in order to arouse feelings of suspicion and jealousy and help contemptuous couples get in the right mood for unfulfilling and empty sex.

The lack of expiration dates are said to heighten both partners’ stress over whether the condoms will be effective.

“Just by making the wrappers a little more difficult to open we raised frustration levels by nearly two-thirds.” Walton said. “And our most successful prototypes resulted in partners either not having sex or having really angry sex for maybe five seconds.”

Later this week Trojan will begin promoting the new product with a nationwide marketing campaign, running print ads that feature a silhouette of two people facing away from each other, arms crossed, and the product’s official slogan, “Let’s Just Get This Over With.”

Consumers who participated in focus groups for No One’s Pleasure were impressed by the condoms’ ability to both sustain current animosities and rejuvenate old ones.

“These things are great,” said test subject

Jerry Morelli, who explained that the condoms have helped him find new ways to loathe and disparage his wife of 15 years. “If I’m not gonna enjoy myself, I want to make damn sure she doesn’t either.”

Trojan reportedly decided to develop the new condoms after marketing research indicated the company was missing out on an entire segment of the population: the exasperated and spiteful sexual partners who account for 65 percent of all couples.

[Unregistered]

time to move up north

Ohio Crazy Law

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.
Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.
Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.
It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!
Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively".
Items left on a tree lawn become city property.
Cross-dressing is against the law.
Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.
It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.
You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.
It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.
Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.
It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.
Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.
Catch 22 is banned.
Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.
You may not run out of gas.

[Hic]

time to move

Talking Funny - HBO - At 35:00, I died, right along with ... them

$hit appens

[astrochex]

Talking Funny - HBO - At 35:00, I died, right along with ... them

Great way to go..