#31
Nick
#32
A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"
"Yes, it would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome."
"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.
"It's not unusual," replied the doctor.
#33
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#34
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Northern Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled onto the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub barkeeper looked over and said, "Oy mate! We won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.
"The Reverend looked up at the landlord and stammered, "But sir, you don't understand...I'm Pastor Fluff.
"The barkeeper said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."
#35
Not really a joke, but funny:
These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per
second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
#36
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
#37
I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking beer.
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat............ is it coz I Chinee"?
"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick".
#38
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in our hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious that I'd been in one hell of an accident.
She looked deeply and steadily into my eyes and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits then?"
#39
My buddy is a cook at a bar, one day he walks out front.
He says to the barmaiden, boy it's really hot !
Can you do me a favor ?
She says: what ?
He says: show me your tits
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#40
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter @ the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked: What are all those clocks ?
St. Peter's answer: Those are LIE clocks.
Everyone on earth has a lie clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.
Oh, says the man: Whose clock is that ?
That's Mother Teresa's, the hands had never moved, indicating that she had never told a lie.
Incredible said the man and whose clock is that one ?
St. Peter responded: That is Abraham Lincoln's clock, The hands had only moved twice.
Where is Barack Obama's clock ?
Obama's clock is in the big man's office.
.... He is using it as a ceiling fan !
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