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Thread: The official joke thread

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    Noob MoparMike's Avatar
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    Re: The official joke thread

    I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt about being the second man on the moon.

    "Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.
    Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

    "And he won?" I said.

    "Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat."

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    Re: The official joke thread

    So Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow end up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

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    Re: The official joke thread

    So guys best friend gets room next to honeymoon suite to talk him through first sex experience on his wedding night !

    The groom goes in bathroom , nerves just got the better of him . . ., newly wed wifey , has to go ! ! [ uses a box from wedding gifts ], hears hubby probably coming out of bath room finally and jumps into bed .

    Her new hubby steps into the box she defecated in . . . And exclaims ! ! , . . . ewww , there's shit in this box ! His friend says from next room . . . Flip her Over
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    Re: The official joke thread

    A man hitting on a beautiful blond on a bench in Texas , asks her what's closer Florida or the moon ?

    She thinks for a moment and says : The moon , because you can't see Florida from here !
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    Re: The official joke thread

    What's the difference between a brown>|<noser and a shithead ?









    Depth perception !
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    Re: The official joke thread

    Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol' lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
    "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.
    "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
    "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
    "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
    Bob thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
    "I want to return as a hen," Bob replied.
    And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
    "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
    "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
    "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
    "How do I do that?" Bob asked.
    "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
    Bob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
    "Wow" Bob said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his ol lady shout:
    "Bob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

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    Re: The official joke thread

    Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
    He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
    The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
    The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
    Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
    He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
    He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
    The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
    Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
    Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
    'Been in the business 60 years.'
    Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
    The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

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    Re: The official joke thread

    They had some comedians at the college ( CMU ) .

    A guy comes out and says we're not allowed to swear here .

    So I will substitute the swear words with same sounding words , for the eff word I'll say truck and for your behind I'll say pass and so on . . . OK ?





    So 2 cock suckers walk into a bar . . . ! ! ! ( got a huge roar from crowd )
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    Re: The official joke thread

    So, Bob and Tim are in the shower after a workout. When Bob says to Tim , whatcha goin now ? 380 pounds.
    He says; Tim , when is the last time you saw your dick ?
    Tim says; I don't remember !
    Bob says: Why don't you diet ? Tim says ; Why , what color is it now ?
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    Re: The official joke thread

    Wasn't sure where to put this but it's always worth a read if you need a good laugh.
    http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html
    They might say "don't try this at home" but nothing about not trying it at your friend's house.

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