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Thread: The official joke thread

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    Re: The official joke thread

    What does DNA stand for ?



















    National Dyslexia Association
    "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself - John Billings

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  3. Back To Top    #122
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    Re: The official joke thread

    Do you know the difference between some bible thumper praying in church or praying in a casino?




    They mean it in a casino
    "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself - John Billings

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    Re: The official joke thread

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    "In honor of the season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.

    "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

    The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "The're bells."

    Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates too."

    The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties...

    Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

    The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's!"

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    Re: The official joke thread

    A little boy answers the phone when a 911 operator calls.
    She asks if his mother is there , to which he replies yes .
    She asks if he would put her on , he replies ; she's busy.
    The operator then asks if his father is there and the boy says : yes.
    She asks if he can put him on and he tells her no. She asks why not? He replies , he's busy.
    Getting quite frustrated at this point , she asks is anyone else there ? To which he replies , the police .
    She asks may I talk to them ? He replies no , their busy. She finally asks him , doing what ?






    To which he replies . . . Looking for Me !
    "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself - John Billings

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    Re: The official joke thread

    It`s oft been said : In Texas, all there are is queers and steers.

    Hence, the story recounted here

    A guy walks into a saloon knocking the dust off his jeans with a Stetson! He saunters upto the bar and plops down on a stool, and the bartender says : Howdy, what`ll y`all have partner ?
    To which the hombre replies : I`m so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a steers ball`s , I`ll have a pitcher of whatever you have on tap!

    From back in the corner, you hear. . . Moo Moo Buckaroo
    Last edited by Hic; 12-13-2017 at 05:21 PM.
    "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself - John Billings

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    Re: The official joke thread

    Truths For Mature Humans

    1.

    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. And you know she will never let you forget it !

    3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

    4.

    5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    6.

    7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

    9.
    10. Bad decisions make good stories.
    11.

    12.

    13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

    14.
    15.

    16.

    17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

    18.

    19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol or drugs than Kay.

    20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

    21.

    22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

    23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

    24.

    25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
    26. I love the sense of comraderie V. P. and D.T. share.
    27. Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

    28. Is it just me or do high school kids get it ! As far as sittin around and just wasting time amusing theirself ?

    29.

    30.

    31. Sometimes

    32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
    . . .
    Last edited by Hic; 12-19-2017 at 03:49 AM.
    "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself - John Billings

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    Re: The official joke thread

    Jeff Foxworthy says: If a woman comes home a day later in the same outfit she was wearing the night before . . . "she might be a hoe"
    "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself - John Billings

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